Why I’m writing this
This one hit me on my morning walk. It’s a habit I’ve somehow gotten into lately, more than I ever have before, and it’s just me and my thoughts for once. Somewhere in there I realized I’ve never really talked about this out loud, not even to myself, and I wanted to share it with you.
I have ADHD. I’ve had it my whole life, and it didn’t go away when I grew up. It followed me into adulthood, into school, and into a career in tech. I don’t have it all figured out. Honestly, I’m still trying to understand it. But I wanted to write this anyway, because if you’re reading it and you feel the same way, I want you to know you’re not the only one.
What it looks like for me
People picture ADHD as a kid who can’t sit still in class. For me as an adult, it’s quieter than that. It’s starting five things and finishing one. It’s knowing exactly what I need to do and still not being able to make myself start. It’s going all in on something new, then losing the thread a week later.
It shows up in conversations too. I talk too much. I’ll get excited about something and keep going long after I should’ve let someone else jump in, and I usually only notice afterward. And sometimes I miss what’s between the lines. Someone hints at something, I take it at face value, and only later realize what they actually meant. It’s not that I don’t care. My brain is just already three thoughts ahead, and the quiet signals slip right past me.
Tech is a funny place to be with ADHD. The constant change and new problems to solve can feel like a perfect fit when my brain locks in. But the same field is full of open tabs, notifications, and endless rabbit holes. I still have over 160K unread emails (mostly spam). Some days it feeds the focus. Other days it eats it.
Where the time goes
Video games are a big one for me. I’ll sit down to play “for a bit” and look up and hours are gone. It’s not that I’m lazy or don’t care about my other stuff. Games just give my brain exactly what it’s looking for: clear goals, quick rewards, and something always happening.
The hard part is what comes after. Once I put the controller down, the guilt shows up. The stuff I meant to do is still sitting there, and now I’m frustrated with myself on top of it. Then I want to escape that feeling, and the easiest escape is… another game. It’s a loop, and I’m still learning how to catch myself in it.
When things feel uncertain
The other side of this I don’t talk about much is the anxiety and the low days. They hit hardest when things feel uncertain. A new job, money, what’s next, whether I’m doing enough. When I can’t see how something is going to turn out, my mind fills in the blanks with the worst version.
Sometimes that turns into anxiety, where I can’t stop running scenarios. Replaying a conversation from earlier, wondering if I talked too much or missed something someone was trying to tell me. Sometimes it turns into a heavy, flat feeling where nothing seems worth starting. And honestly, that’s often when I reach for the games again. Not because I’m having fun, but because it’s quieter in there.
I don’t have the answers
I’m not writing this as someone who solved it. This is just how my brain has always worked, so for a long time I didn’t even realize other people didn’t feel this way. I’m still figuring out what’s ADHD, what’s anxiety, and what’s just being a person.
What I do know is a few small things that help me on the rough days:
- Getting outside. That walk this morning is the reason this post exists.
- Shrinking the day down. Not “fix my life,” just “do the next thing.”
- Being a little kinder to myself when I lose a few hours. Beating myself up has never once gotten me back on track. You can be mean and cruel to yourself, but you can be kind too, and kind is what actually helps.
- Talking about it. With people I trust, and with professionals when it gets heavy. You don’t have to carry it alone.
You can get through today too
If you’re in tech with ADHD, or just someone who loses hours and then feels bad about it, or someone who gets knocked down by not knowing what’s next: I see you. I’m right there with you.
You don’t have to have it all figured out, because I sure as hell don’t. You don’t have to fix everything this week. My office is still in shambles. You just have to get through today. And you can. I’m doing it one day at a time, and so can you.
If this hit home for you, reach out. I’d genuinely like to hear how you deal with it.